A Warning for Asian Pumpkin Jugglers, A Warning for the World

Various organizations have been tracking the growth of pumpkin production in Asia for years. In the current age of spy satellites and other forms of electronic surveillance, this was, unfortunately, inevitable. The June 1998 World Conference on Horticultural Research, for instance, noted that pumpkins are now cultivated in most Asian countries. Documentation from that conference indicated that, while Asia had only approximately 34.5% of the world's arable land, it produced approximately 53.3% of the world's pumpkins and gourds in 1996.

More recently, statistical data from the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations recorded that China had less arable land than the United States (142,615,000 hectares vs. 173,450,000 hectares) as of 2003, but in 2005, China's pumpkin/squash/gourd production was 5,767,700 metric tons vs. only 804,260 metric tons produced in the United States. And, it is common knowledge that China does not have the United States' Halloween celebration.

It does not take much intelligence to infer the significant amount of pumpkin juggling now being practiced in Asia. I am not giving away anything here. In fact, all evidence suggests that the enemies of pumpkin juggling have already targeted Asia for an expansion of the hantavirus conspiracy, and that, in so doing, they have endangered the entire world!

I have documented elsewhere that deer mice (Peromyscus maniculatus), whose natural range includes virtually all of North America, carry the lethal hantavirus strain designed to target North American pumpkin jugglers. What better way to target the pumpkin jugglers of Asia than to introduce hantavirus carrying deer mice into that part of the world as well? And, ask yourself this: What would be the barriers to that introduction? Predators, my friends. Predators that would feed upon the mice.

Predators such as Grey Headed Fish Eagles, Serpent Eagles, Hawk Eagles, Spotted Wood Owls, Brown Fish Owls, Spot Bellied Eagle Owls, and Buffy Fish owls, all of which have been found to be infected with the highly pathogenic Avian Influenza H5N1 virus in Cambodia according to the FAO's Avian Influenza technical Task Force's update from June 15, 2004. Predators such as Crested Hawk-Eagles, two of which were found to be infected by H5N1 as they were smuggled into Brussels from Thailand on October 18, 2004. Predators such as Owston's Palm Civets, three of which were found to have died from H5N1 in June, 2005 in Viet Nam.

Even tigers and leopards in Thailand zoos have died from H5N1 infections in 2003 and 2004, in the first known cases of influenza causing disease and death among big cats. But, what, you may ask, of the much more common domestic cats? In February, 2004, anecdotal evidence suggested H5N1 infection in domestic cats in Thailand. Then, in September, 2004, research provided the dreaded confirmation that domestic cats experimentally infected with H5N1 do also develop severe disease and can spread the infection to other cats. Prior to this research, domestic cats were considered resistant to disease from all influenza A viruses.

And, where and when was H5N1 first isolated? According to the World Health Organization, it was in Guangdong Province, China in 1996. Coincidence? I think not. Get your mouse traps ready, my Asian brothers and sisters!

But, the threat does not stop there. Influenza viruses are normally highly species-specific, meaning that viruses that infect an individual species only rarely cause infection in other species. But not the H5N1 virus. Not only can it infect and kill the various potential predators of deer mice, it also can, and has, infected and killed humans. In 1997, there were 18 human cases of H5N1 in Hong Kong, 6 of which were fatal. As I write this, from 2003 up until the present, there have been 165 other human cases reported to the World Health Organization, 88 of which were fatal. These cases have so far been in Cambodia, China, Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, and also Turkey and Iraq.

Fortunately, the H5N1 virus does not yet jump easily from birds to humans or spread readily and sustainably among humans. But, health experts are extremely concerned that this virus will evolve into a form that can spread among humans as easily as normal influenza - via coughing and sneezing. Because H5N1 is new, the human immune system will have no pre-existing immunity to it, making this virus more deadly than others.

If H5N1 evolves into such a form, according to the World Health Organization: All countries will be affected, with the pandemic possibly reaching all continents in less than three months; Widespread illness will occur; Medical supplies will be inadequate; Large numbers of deaths will occur; And, economic and social disruption will be great. Critical production of Asian mouse traps, Israeli gas masks, and other essentials will be disrupted due to illness, death, and absenteeism. Stockpile your supplies now! Pumpkin production and transport will no doubt be disrupted on a global scale. All pumpkin jugglers must be prepared to grow their own pumpkins during the dark times ahead. First a deadly new hantavirus strain, and now a deadly new influenza strain. Remember, my friends: The enemies of pumpkin juggling are completely devoid of honor. They will stop at nothing!

Pumpkin Juggling vs. The Censorship Effects of Media Consolidation

When I removed Google News from the Links section of this page, I found that search results on Google no longer included this blog. When I put the Google News link back in, Google search results once again included this blog. Would that have been the case before Google's acquisition of Blogger? I think not.

I have yet to see a single instance of pumpkin juggling coverage on Google News. Even here in the blogging frontier, a space touted as liberating us from the censorship effects of media consolidation, we see those same censorship forces at work. Is it any wonder that there is such a dearth of pumpkin juggling information available to the general public? The powers that be would rather numb your mind with stories of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, Brad Pitt and Michael Jackson, American Idol and the Powerball Lottery, etc., etc.

Globally, pumpkins are available throughout the year. They are out there, but can you obtain them throughout the year at your location? How does the availability of fresh pumpkins compare to that of canned pumpkin (which all too often is squash in actuality)? In other words, how is your pumpkin juggling constrained by others who control the sources and distribution of your pumpkins?

Now, ask yourself this: How is your view of the world constrained by others who control the sources and distribution of your information? It is all one and the same, my friends. "There are pumpkins, throws, and catches. But if that is all you see, you know nothing about pumpkin juggling."

Basic Four Pumpkin Cascade Juggling for the Novice

Most novices begin their four pumpkin juggling with the double shower pattern (each hand juggling two pumpkins in a separate, circular pattern), or perhaps a columns pattern (each hand juggling two pumpkins separately, where each pumpkin goes straight up and down in place). A mix of those patterns is also possible, with a shower in one hand and columns in the other. The two-handed single shower is also, of course, possible, but considerably less useful as a basis for future techniques. (If you wish to impress girls from the island of Tonga, you may find the two handed single shower useful. Otherwise, I cannot recommend it.)

While cascade (crossing / figure eight) patterns are typically associated with juggling an odd number of pumpkins, they should also not be overlooked by the novice for use in four pumpkin juggling:

One variant of the four pumpkin cascade is to do a five pumpkin cascade with an empty "slot" that cycles through the pattern. The hands do the throws in this pattern like: right left right left [pause with no pumpkin in the right hand] left right left right [pause with no pumpkin in the left hand] and so forth. This is an excellent practice exercise for working towards juggling five pumpkins, but, when the objective is simply to juggle four pumpkins, this pattern is inefficient, because you are keeping three pumpkins out of four in the air at any given time instead of only two. Juggling this pattern without a strategic reason for doing so violates the following proverb: "Keep the initiative in the pattern. A premature throw loses the initiative."

In the most fundamental four pumpkin cascade juggling, you can think of the pattern as first throwing one pair of pumpkins up in an exchange, which then come down and prompt you to throw the other two up in an exchange, etc. By waiting until a descending pumpkin prompts the next throw by a hand, you avoid the empty "slot" of the pattern above. Note that, while it is possible to do exchanges using simultaneous throws, cascade juggling is typically performed with exchanges where either a right hand throw is followed by a left hand throw, or vice versa.

If your throws are of equal height, and you throw a right left exchange, then when that pair of pumpkins comes down, it will prompt the next pair to be thrown in a left right exchange (and vice versa). So, with all throws continually of equal height, a four pumpkin cascade pattern would be thrown like: right left, left right, right left, left right, etc.

But, it is also possible to throw the first pumpkin in an exchange higher than the second pumpkin by a margin sufficient to allow the second pumpkin to come down before the first one. This will allow a right left exchange to be followed by another right left exchange, or a left right exchange to be followed by another left right exchange. By varying the height of your throws, you can keep the order of your exchanges and the rhythm of your pattern unpredictable, which is always a tactical advantage. Keep practicing, my friends, and keep the enemy guessing at all times.

Alger Hiss vs. Whittaker Chambers: A Pumpkin Juggling Analysis

The Alger Hiss - Whittaker Chambers spy case began with The House un-American Activities Committee Hearings of 1948 and propelled then California congressman Richard Nixon from obscurity to national fame. Chambers, a confessed former spy for the Soviet Union, accused Hiss of also being a Communist and a spy. Key evidence against Hiss was revealed on December 2, 1948, when Chambers led HUAC investigators to his farm in Maryland, where he removed 5 cans of film from a hollowed-out pumpkin. This film, allegedly given to Chambers by Hiss, included photographs of sensitive Navy and State Department documents. The film and associated documents would come to be known in the media as "The Pumpkin Papers."

The questions of espionage and perjury have been thoroughly covered elsewhere, but more important questions remain as to what, if any, involvement these men had with pumpkin juggling.

The idea that Hiss might have been a pumpkin juggler is easily dismissed: If Hiss had been a pumpkin juggler worthy of that title, Chambers would not have been able to get away with hiding his evidence against Hiss in a pumpkin for even one night. The guidance of the pumpkin juggling proverbs would have seen to that: "One is never aware enough of the violence in the pumpkins" would have kept Hiss on guard about incriminating evidence coming from a pumpkin. If not, surely "The enemy's vital pumpkin is your own" would have brought this to Hiss' mind. "The pumpkin patch is rarely neutral" would have pointed towards Chambers' pumpkin patch. And, "When in doubt, remove the enemy's pumpkins from the patch" would have given Hiss a clear course of action. So, it is obvious that Hiss was no pumpkin juggler.

But, what of Chambers? Anyone who has ever juggled a pumpkin filled with spy film can tell you that its natural balance is thrown off in a most disagreeable way. Why would a pumpkin juggler choose to mutilate a pumpkin in such a manner? Also, Chambers seems to have violated the fundamental tenant that "You can hide nothing in the pumpkin patch." But, on the other hand, Chambers' behavior does follow the principle of "Feint to the east, throw to the west." One must wonder if Chambers was intentionally sending a message to pumpkin jugglers, one whose chilling meaning only they could interpret. If so, what was that message, and was it a warning or a threat?

Was Chambers warning pumpkin jugglers that Hiss might be able to betray some knowledge of them, hammering the point home by placing his incriminating evidence in a desecrated pumpkin? Or, was Chambers himself playing some vile anti-pumpkin juggling blackmail game? After all, even if Chambers was a pumpkin juggler, he had already betrayed first the United States and then his fellow Communist spies.

Yet another possibility is that Chambers himself was merely used as a pawn by a master pumpkin juggler, a master following the principle of "It is best to kill with a borrowed pumpkin" and striking at Hiss through Chambers. The former Soviet Union certainly had pumpkin juggling masters of that caliber, and one can never be certain when it comes to intrigues at that level. Perhaps Hiss was not even the primary target. After all, the Hiss-Chambers investigation arguably had more far-reaching effects on modern American politics than any other criminal case, and any of those consequences, whether short or long term, could have been the true objective(s).

Whittaker Chambers died on July 9, 1961, and Alger Hiss died on November 15, 1996. Some questions are destined to remain unanswered.


The Pumpkin from Whittaker Chambers' Maryland farm which contained the "Pumpkin Papers:"












Then Congressman Richard Nixon examining film of the Pumpkin Papers:

Pumpkin Juggling and the Inca

In the Inca religion, the supreme god of all civilization was Can Tici Viracocha ("Kun Tiqsi Wiraqutra" in Quechua). His son Inti was the sun god, worshipped mainly by farmers who relied on the sun to receive good harvests of pumpkins and other crops. While Inti was the second most revered deity after Viracocha, Inti received the greatest number of offerings.

Since there are no written records from the Inca, much is shrouded in mystery, with different versions of legends passed down through oral traditions. In one legend, Inti taught his son Manco Capac and his daughter Mama Ocllo the arts of civilization (which, of course, would include pumpkin juggling) and sent them to earth to pass this knowledge to mankind. (In another variant, Manco Capac was a son of Viracocha instead of the son of Inti.)

Once Manco Capac had demonstrated pumpkin juggling to select Inca individuals deemed worthy of that knowledge, they still had to practice to become proficient. One can easily imagine how frustrating it would be to drop a pumpkin only to have it go rolling down the steep slopes of the Andes. While this might have pleased Apo, the Inca god of mountains, it would have been most distressing to waste a generous gift from Inti and be shamed in the eyes of Manco Capac at the same time. The solution was to shape flat areas into the sides of the mountains to prevent this. And, low and behold, the Inca then found that they could also grow more pumpkins and other crops on those flat areas. Thus did pumpkin juggling lead to the invention of terrace farming and the flourishing of Inca civilization.

Pumpkin Juggling Proverbs

"The axe handle rots while the mind lives to the rhythm of the pumpkins."

"The weak juggler fears pumpkins, the strong juggler seeks them."

"There are pumpkins, throws, and catches. But if that is all you see, you know nothing about pumpkin juggling."

"One is never aware enough of the violence in the pumpkins."

"Keep your own pumpkins in the air, and your enemy's on the ground."

"If you cannot visualize the entire pattern, visualize the parts and trust the whole to your body."

"In an unreasonable pattern, an unreasonable throw is reasonable."

"Only a fool throws the enemy's pumpkins for him."

"The throws are not dictated by that which is necessary, but necessity exists."

"You can hide nothing in the pumpkin patch."

"The second vine is the vine of defeat, the third vine is the vine of profit, the fourth vine is the vine of influence."

"From the shower pattern, the box. From the cascade pattern, the world."

"Perfect balance, perfect focus, perfect launch: The pillars of success."

"If you cannot devise a launch, you are not worthy of the pumpkins."

"The pumpkin patch is rarely neutral."

"When in doubt, remove the enemy's pumpkins from the patch."

"The enemy's vital pumpkin is your own."

"If you wish to live within the enemy's patch, attack his pumpkins directly."

"When your enemy has two weak pumpkins, attack them both simultaneously."

"If you have one pumpkin in the enemy's pattern, add another, then sacrifice both."

"Keep the initiative in the pattern. A premature throw loses the initiative."

"Stabilize your pattern first, then attack."

"There is death in the back cross."

"The shoulder throw is never wrong."

"Feint to the east, throw to the west."

"It is best to kill with a borrowed pumpkin."

"If a radish is missing, suspect a woman. If a pumpkin is missing, suspect your enemy. If your enemy is a woman, you need more practice."

Beware Peromyscus Maniculatus Bearing Gifts

Peromyscus maniculatus has found me yet again, confirming my worst suspicions. I am talking about deer mice, my friends, and if that does not ring alarm bells for you, familiarize yourself with the following facts, for your very survival depends upon it:

The US Army has been interested in hantaviruses since the Korean War, when the Seoul hantavirus infected thousands of American and UN soldiers, proving fatal in 300 cases. More recently, a hantavirus variant in the Balkans was the subject of military scrutiny. So, the US Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) has been studying the genetic structure of hantaviruses for decades.

Before 1993, the only known hantavirus strain in the US was the apparently benign Prospect Hill variant, named for an area in Maryland where it was discovered to be carried by meadow voles.

Then, in 1993, there was suddenly an outbreak of another hantavirus beginning in the Four Corners area of the United States - a variant which affects the endothelial cells of the lungs, and which has proved far more lethal than the other known hantaviruses, all of which affect the endothelial cells of the kidneys. This new hantavirus strain is carried by, yes, the deer mouse - Peromyscus maniculatus, whose natural range includes virtually all of North America.

Deer mice are omnivorous, but seeds become a major food source for them in the fall, and, as you no doubt know, a typical pumpkin can contain hundreds of seeds. Indeed, pumpkin seeds are a favorite food of deer mice when they find them. This hantavirus strain does not appear to harm its deer mice carriers, but once excreted by those mice, the virus dries into a dust which can become aerosolized if disturbed, allowing it to then infect humans. I should not have to point out that the air currents generated by a vigorous session of pumpkin juggling are extremely likely to disturb such contaminated dust. So, ask yourself this: What better way to target pumpkin jugglers without seeming to do so?

After the 1993 outbreak was identified as a hantavirus, stories were introduced into the media to discredit theories that it had been genetically engineered by the military - stories about genetic evidence that the new virus had actually existed for a long time (evidence to exonerate geneticists provided by...geneticists), and stories about Navajo elders pointing investigators towards mice because of tribal memories of past outbreaks. (Some variants of that refer only to tribal taboos about interactions with mice. Others go further, making the input from the Navajo elders out to be explicit information about past outbreaks. My esteem for Native American naturalist wisdom is second to none, but the tribal elders vs. high tech science angle of the latter version has an undeniably easy media appeal. Where does the truth lie?) Even if the new virus is actually an older one that has just been "discovered," there is the question of timing. I am not about to detail the correlations between occurrences of infections from this virus and activities within the pumpkin juggling community - it would be ill-advised to give our enemies any information they may not already have - but you are now warned and can take appropriate steps to protect yourself.

You can become infected by inhaling the contaminated dust, or by having it contaminate the mucous membranes of your eyes, nose or mouth, or possibly by having it contaminate open cuts or wounds in your skin (such as those occasional nicks from the stems of juggled pumpkins). You can protect yourself in contaminated areas by wearing gloves and goggles and at least an N-95 or HEPA filtration mask. (I personally recommend wearing a gas mask of Israeli manufacture. Regardless of your views of Zionism, you cannot deny that the Israelis know about survival, and they grow pumpkins on their kibbutz's as well.) Air out enclosed areas first when possible to help reduce the concentration of virus in the air. To clean contaminated pumpkins and other surfaces, first spray them with a solution of at least 10% bleach (I say use a higher concentration to be on the safe side. Bleach is cheap. We are talking life and death and the survival of pumpkin juggling here.) and wait at least 30 minutes after that first spraying. Then, spray the surfaces with your bleach solution a second time, and clean them while the dust is damp.

Pumpkin Juggling and Muscular Adaptation

Most of you will understandably have focused on the skill, artistic, philosophical, and geopolitical aspects of pumpkin juggling. But, the well-informed pumpkin juggler should also not overlook the muscular adaptation aspect.

There are different types of skeletal muscle fibers, distinguished by differences in their suitability to different types of pumpkin juggling.

Muscle Fiber Types:

Type I (Slow Twitch Oxidative) Fibers
The motor neurons of these fibers are smaller, their sarcoplasmic reticulum release of calcium is slower, and their myosin-ATPase activity is also slower, so they are less able to produce the force needed for juggling with larger pumpkins and/or higher throws. But, their high mitochondrial and capillary density, high myoglobin content, high oxidative enzyme content,
and high triglyceride storage capacity make them well suited to juggling lighter pumpkins at normal heights for extended periods of time.

Type IIb (Fast Twitch Glycolytic) Fibers
These fibers have a low mitochondrial and capillary density, low myoglobin content, low oxidative enzyme content, and low triglyceride storage capacity, making them suited only to juggling for shorter periods of time. But, their large motor neuron and fiber diameter, their faster sarcoplasmic reticulum release of calcium and ATPase activity, and their high glycolytic enzyme content combined with their high capacity for glycogen and creatine phosphate make them well suited to juggling with larger pumpkins and/or higher throws.

Type IIa (Fast Twitch Oxidative Glycolytic) Fibers
These fibers can be thought of as hybrids between Type I and Type IIb fibers. Their motor neurons are large, though not as large as in Type IIb fibers. Their sarcoplasmic reticulum release of calcium and ATPase activity are fast, though not as fast as in Type IIb fibers. So, they are suited to juggling with larger pumpkins and/or higher throws, but not to the extent that Type IIb fibers are. On the other hand, their capillary density and myoglobin content are higher than those of Type IIb fibers, though not as high as in Type I fibers, and they also have a high mitochondrial density. Further, they have a decent triglyceride storage capacity in addition to a high capacity for glycogen and creatine phosphate, along with high oxidative enzyme activity in addition to high glycolytic enzyme activity. So, they are better suited to juggling pumpkins for longer durations than Type IIb fibers, though not as well suited to that as are Type I fibers.

Different pumpkin jugglers will tend to have different muscle fiber compositions. Studies of monozygotic twins indicate that this composition is genetically determined, predisposing some to success at strength/power in their pumpkin juggling, and predisposing others to success at endurance.

But, note that a regimen of intense pumpkin juggling can convert Type IIb fibers to Type IIa fibers. (If one's pumpkin juggling training is not maintained, the Type IIa fibers will convert back to Type IIb fibers.)

Also note that, if the intensity of one's pumpkin juggling is sufficient to overload the body, the muscles involved will adapt and improve their capacity. (If the intensity is too low, no adaptation will occur. If the intensity is too high, injury or over-training will occur.)

The rate of protein synthesis in a muscle is directly related to the rate of entry of amino acids into the cells, which is influenced directly by the intensity and duration of the pumpkin juggling. Assuming adequate nutrition and rest/recovery, juggling with larger pumpkins and/or with higher throws at sufficient intensities will trigger increased contractile protein synthesis, particularly in the Type II fibers. Juggling lighter pumpkins for longer durations will primarily decrease the rate of protein degradation in the Type I fibers, resulting in an accumulation of sarcoplasmic protein (oxidative enzymes, mitochondrial volume/mass, and capillary density).

All muscle fiber types can grow via increases in cell size (hypertrophy). There is much (public) controversy as to whether or not pumpkin juggling can result in increased muscle size due to increases in the number of cells (hyperplasia).

Hyperplasia has been shown to be possible in animals through diabolical experiments where heavy weights have been hung on the wings of birds, cats have been forced to do wrist flexion exercises, and rats have been conditioned to perform squat exercises using electric shock. Afterwards, these defenseless animals were slaughtered and their muscles biopsied to determine the results. Of course, such animals cannot be used to answer the question of hyperplasia via pumpkin juggling. Is anyone naive enough to think that there are no scientists out there willing to perform their biopsies on pumpkin juggling humans if given the opportunity? Let us not forget the lesson of the sadistic human experiments by Nazi "doctors" at the Dachau, Auschwitz, Buchenwald and Sachsenhausen concentration camps. Maintain your training, my friends, but maintain your vigilance as well.

Shannon's Proportion

There are those who would keep this from you, but here it is: Claude Shannon's Proportion in it's purest form:

P/H=(A+J)/(V+J)

Where:

P = the number of pumpkins juggled
H = the number of hands doing the juggling
A = the time a pumpkin is in the air
V = the time a hand is pumpkinless, or vacant
J = the time a pumpkin is in hand

A+J is the pumpkin cycle time
V+J is the hand cycle time

Do not attempt to violate this proportion, my friends, or your efforts will meet only failure!

Does this mean that you should keep the above in mind while juggling your pumpkins? No, of course not! For that would prevent you from entering the state of mind referred to in Zen as "mushin no shin," where you truly become one with the pumpkins and the universe.

Instead, ahead of time, before you pick up a single pumpkin, let the reality of this proportion wash over you, in much the same way you would let a work of art wash over you and subconsciously interact with your semiotic matrix. Let it permeate your awareness and so prepare you for the pumpkin juggling to come!

The Lorenz Code

In a recent blog post, Radishwoman says, "You have certainly heard that old saw about a butterfly in Bali fluttering its wings and affecting the climate in Southern California..." Is the marginalization of the concept of sensitive dependence on initial conditions from Chaos Theory to "that old saw" an inevitable consequence of popular culture, or is it something more devious?

Chaos Theory involves concepts from Information Theory including metric entropy, topological entropy, Markov partitions, and symbolic dynamics. Information Theory also, along with earlier work by Russian mathematicians, provided the basis for Gregory Chaitin's work on Algorithmic Complexity.

And, who was the father of Information Theory? Claude E. Shannon. The same Claude E. Shannon who wrote the paper entitled "Scientific Aspects of Juggling," and who was known to frequent International Jugglers Association conventions. Yet, nowhere is there a shred of information available about Claude Shannon and pumpkin juggling.

Similarly, in the Caltech Institute Archives, you will find a photograph of Nobel Laureate Physicist Richard Feynman juggling, but not pumpkins, nor are there any references whatsoever to be found to Feynman juggling pumpkins.

Are we really supposed to believe that these great minds, who exhibited the ability to juggle other objects, were never involved with pumpkin juggling? That, instead, Shannon would waste his time unicycling and juggling lesser objects, and that Feynman would instead spend inordinate amounts of time playing the bongo drums? I say this is all a smoke screen. Is it a coincidence that both Shannon and Feynman were involved in secret work for the US government? When you know what to look for, you will see that Edward Lorenz found a way to get the truth out - the "Lorenz Code," if you will. You have only to look at images of the Lorenz Attractor from Chaos Theory to see its similarity to the three pumpkin cascade juggling pattern. Forget about the effects of a butterfly's wings. Think of the power of three or more pumpkins kept aloft by a skilled pumpkin juggler! This is what they do not want you to know.

The Lorenz Attractor:

The Gene Simmons vs. Terry Gross Pumpkin Juggling Challenge

On February 4, 2002, Terry Gross of National Public Radio's Fresh Air show interviewed Gene Simmons of the Rock and Roll band KISS. The resulting fiasco left hard feelings between the two celebrities. Simmons seemed to go into the interview defensive that he'd be judged as less intelligent by a Public Radio interviewer. (Examples: "...and reading books is wonderful. I've certainly read, well, perhaps as many as you have..." and "You should have bright people on. Maybe you should never have me on again, if you don't think I'm bright.") And, he defined Terry Gross's lack of sexual attraction to him as an unwillingness to "get out in the world," "get outside of the musty place," hear "whatever it is you hate about the outside world" and "put down the book and confront life." Simmons reacted by telling Gross that if she chose to have sex with him, she'd have to stand in line. Gross called Simmons obnoxious, Simmons called Gross boring, etc. Unlike most Fresh Air guests, Simmons refused to grant permission for that interview to be made available on-line. Gross has since had Al Franken on her show telling a dubious story about him trouncing Gene Simmons at racquetball and running Simmons off by offering to bet $500 on the next game.

How can this ongoing struggle for media dominance be settled once and for all, bringing closure to Rock and Roll fans and NPR listeners alike? Simmons is no match for Gross intellectually, and Gross is no match for Simmons' physical size and strength. The answer should be obvious to the astute reader...

The Challenge:

Terry Gross and Gene Simmons should, on a future date agreed to by both parties, after an adequate training period where both are given unrestricted access to the information in this blog, compete in a pumpkin juggling competition, where the last person juggling shall be declared the undisputed victor and dominant media personality, acknowledged as such by the entire civilized world! The pumpkins used should differ in size/weight in proportion to the differences in size/weight between Gross and Simmons. The differing sizes and weights of pumpkin varieties ranging from Cucurbita Pepo to Cucurbita Maxima make pumpkin juggling competitions the ideal form of fair conflict resolution!

Training Specificity

There are some things one takes for granted as understood - an easy trap to fall into after long immersion in a subject, particularly when one is not accustomed to communicating with the unwashed masses.

So, let me rectify an omission here without further delay:

While there is nothing wrong with juggling bananas or rutabagas per se, you will never reap optimal pumpkin juggling gains with that type of training. If you want to maximize your results and realize your true pumpkin juggling potential, you have to practice ...(drumroll)... pumpkin juggling. This is known as the Training Specificity Principle. Adhere to this principle, my friends, and you will not regret it.

Iraq and Niger: Mass Destruction and The Pumpkin (Pie) Connection

Fact: The Bush administration partly justified it's invasion of Iraq with reports (as in the National Intelligence Estimate from 9-25-2002) that Iraq and Niger were working out details of a deal for up to 500 tons of uranium oxide, an essential ingredient for the enrichment of uranium for nuclear weapons.

Fact: In October, 2002, the CIA objected to this, noting that the evidence for that deal was questionable, and that the Iraqis already had 550 metric tons of uranium oxide in their inventory.

Fact: Uranium oxide is also referred to as "yellowcake."

Fact: A recent check of the www.pumpkinnook.com website finds an article there called "Pumpkins in Iraq" which says "...we have not found information about pumpkins being grown by local citizens..." but "...we discovered them growing in Baghdad, Iraq by American soldiers."

Fact: In Niger, Tourareq and Haoussa farmers plant crops of millet and pumpkins. Even in times of famine, pumpkins sliced into orange shards can be found in the Tahoua, Niger market.

Fact: Pumpkin pie can be referred to as "the orange pie."

Fact: The US has lamented its shortage of Arabic-language interpreters and translators, with, for instance, the US General Accounting Office documenting that the U.S. Army's efforts to recruit Arabic-language interpreters fell short by 50 percent in FY 2001.

So, to summarize, we have pumpkins not available locally in Iraq but available in Niger. We have the universal appeal of pumpkin pie, otherwise known as "the orange pie," a term suspiciously similar to "yellowcake." And, we have a shortage of qualified Arabic-language interpreters in the US government and military.

It is doubtful that either the Bush administration or the US Intelligence community would ever admit to such an embarrassing error, but some things are apparent when one's perception has been honed through the regular discipline of pumpkin juggling. The facts above are all out there in the public record. You draw your own conclusions.

Pumpkin Juggling vs. Ping Pong Ball Juggling By Mouth

Let's go ahead and address this controversy now. Let no one say this blog will shy away from the difficult issues!

Pumpkin juggling (by hand, of course - let us not be ridiculous) is obviously superior to ping pong ball juggling by mouth for the following reasons:

First, wind. Need I say more? Issues of biodegradability aside, in the unlinkely event that you are juggling pumpkins in wind strong enough to blow them away, replacing those pumpkins will benefit our farmers, who provide us with our life-giving sustenance. On the other hand, if you repeatedly buy new ping pong balls to replace those blown away by the wind, you are contributing to the continuation of the ping pong ball manufacturing industry. This may seem innocuous until you realize that ping pong balls are a dual purpose technology - enabling not just a harmless if somewhat silly sport, but also the insidious practice of lotteries. To those lottery proponents who say their proceeds go to education, I say, "Where is pumpkin juggling in the curriculum?"

Second, if you drop a ping pong ball during practice, it is dreadfully unhygienic to put it back in your mouth. (Some may suggest sterilizing dropped ping pong balls using a Tupperware container filled with Listerine, but before you entrust your health to this dubious method, ask yourself this: Did Dr Joseph Lawrence, Jordan Wheat Lambert, or Sir Joseph Lister ever juggle so much as a single pumpkin between them? I think not.) On the other hand, if you drop a pumpkin, if the pumpkin remains intact, you can safely resume juggling. Or, if the pumpkin should split open, because its nutritious innards have been protected by its natural outer shell, you can scoop out a healthy snack rich in fiber, potassium, riboflavin, and vitamins C and E. And, my friends, nothing drives women wild like the sensual display of a juggler eating that stringy pumpkin pulp raw. (If you yourself are a straight female or perhaps a gay male and so not interested in that side benefit, I urge you to exercise extreme caution in this. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.)

The Inner Pumpkin

In Defense of this Blog

There are many in pumpkin juggling circles who may object to my posting this information here. But, my friends, I say the time for secrecy is past. With the breakup of the Soviet Union in particular, and the distressing lack of security in that part of the world, it would only be a matter of time before this information was made public. The pumpkin is already out of the patch, so to speak. If we are to prevent the misuse of pumpkin juggling, we must insure it is presented in a responsible manner. Let that begin here.